I have been challenged to share something real about myself on social media. I quickly realized that in order to be real I needed more space than a status update or 120 character tweet. So here’s a blog post, we'll see where it goes.
The past several months I have been tired, I’ve struggled out of depression (Praise God), and I’ve been sitting with the guilt, fear, and weight of years of perfectionism. Simultaneously I have sat in joy, delight, and overwhelming pride in the ones I love. Just a typical year in the life of an imperfect human, you could say.
My attention to or care for social media has grown to dismally low since I learned I was depressed. Because “What’s happening?” is my life cracking apart. And “What’s on my mind?” is ‘I’m not good enough’ on constant repeat. But I can’t post those things…can I? No one wants to “share” my sadness or “like” my anxiety. No one wants to see an imperfect me…right? Plus I want to only live in happy moments. I want to hit “refresh” on my life and get a new set of stories. I want to “repin” the pretty things and “unfollow” the ugly. But I can’t. And I won’t.
I’ve learned a lot about what I can’t and won’t do these past several months. I can’t change the circumstances of my childhood. I can’t will my dad to choose me over substance abuse. I can’t go back in time and protect my mom from pain and brokenness. I can’t tell 14 year old me to just say ‘No!’ to her boyfriend. I can’t erase the brokenness in my heart. I won’t erase the brokenness.
I won’t let the guilt, fear, and weight of perfectionism burden me any longer. I won’t let the pain of this world overtake me. I won’t live on edge that the world will scoff at my imperfections. I won’t believe, for even one more day, the lie that I am not good enough. I won’t be silenced anymore.
I will choose to shed my old self. I will shake off the dust of hopelessness. I will dive into living water, refreshing and exhilarating to touch. I will not be bound by the weight of my past. For, I am no longer a slave to fear. I have been given new hope. I am clothed in strength. I know to whom I belong. I am a daughter of God. [Ephesians 2]