#RecWeek without My Mom

I used to call you when my "seasons" ended.

I know you're in bed when the game is over

But I would call you anyway

And your voice would meet mine on the phone

I would say, "what are you doing?"

And you would say "laying in my bed"

I knew the answer but I asked anyway

Because that is what we did

And now I'm not sure what to do

When the lights go off and the crowd goes home

What 10 digits will I dial because you won't pick up the phone

I don't know where home is because

you're not at the end of Allen Road

I want to stay away because then your absense is avoidable

Because I'll never have to look for your face in the doorway only to find your ashes on the bookcase

that lack will crush me

And I fear it already has

Because something inside me that was full grown

Is small again - shrunken down

Like a morning glory that hasn't seen dawn in 7 months

Perhaps I need to learn to bloom in nighttime

To find not warmth but sight by the light of the moon

I know I'm supposed to be so big now

But I feel so closed up and I don't know what to do

I'm gonna be a dad, did you know that?

A little girl due in July

Priscilla is so strong and really smart

She's gonna be a great Mom

I really wish you got to see her

gettin' real big in the middle

She wants to start her own school

It's almost like we're having two

I don't know if I'll get used to this

Us talking at night without our routine

I'm the one laying in bed

And still the one who oughtta be sleep

But I think I can accept it

Because the last things you said were not long after I started with the Lord is My Shepherd

So He must be taking care of you

You know I've got a lot of fundraising and planning to do

And I know you'd say He's gonna take care of me too

Nathan and Diamond are buying a house

Seriously, I. Can't. Even.

And Tre is gonna be 18

So hard to believe

I'm finally going to the doctor

Not for my knee but for my back, feet and shoulder

I know you'll say I only get one body

And they don't sell pieces of me in the store

Mike Rob and Steph got married

And so did Sy and Gabby

Trump is still running for president

And I promise I'll be careful at those rallies

To end our call I'd always ask what time is it and you'd say, "did I get to where I was going"

I'd say yes a long time ago and you'd say "time for you to go to the bathroom

And for both of us to go to bed

So good night until I call again

Or the light of Christ shine bright and we both bloom for forever.

--- 

Thank you to Peter Cho and the students from Binghamton for their grace, space and patience even as I lead them; and for Pete Scazzero, Rich Villodas and Redd Sevilla for leading me the same way. I am limited, finite and broken but I have access to a limitless, infinite and Holy and whole God. He is Risen!